resignations.

As I type this, there are probably about a million other things that I should be doing.
But now is not the time for those things. My sociology can wait, chapter 11 in my biology book will still be there in a little while.

 {Crystal Cove, California}

Right now, I'm going to what I need to do, which unfortunately for you all is spill my guts. Sometimes you just get to that point. We all know of it, and if you don't...you will. I didn't think I would, but God had other plans for me, obviously... This is the point where everything that has been so bottled up inside, all of the little white lies you tell yourself, making you feel more worthy than you are, the hurts and decisions that you face about school, friendships and the future.... and the uncertainty, insecurities and doubts, e.x.p.l.o.d.e. And I do mean explode.

Now, we've all had our little break downs. I've definitely had my fair share. But that's not what I mean. This, this is serious-- it's a big time blow up. Where your whole reality seems to be shifting and you feel so out of control that every little thing pushes you over the edge and into tears or hysterics (or both). You feel like a mental person. It is NOT pretty. It's NOT fun. And it's scary as all get out.

It was pretty much what I'd imagine Hell to be like. It consisted of me holding so tightly to everything I knew. The things that I thought were certainties. My grades, my personality, my relationships, and especially my future. This death grip caused me to be depressed and  I felt as if I was suffocating in my own life. (pretty bad, huh?)

 I'm ashamed to admit how much I had deceived myself, worse still, how many times I literally lied to the face of God--asking for him to take control of my life, but never really meaning it, because I was in control. Asking for the revealing of his plan to me, all the while having it all planned out in my head. I have literally said in prayer "God, all the glory goes to you", while I took it all for that "A" on my chemistry test, or the accomplishment of getting into a prestigious university because I worked my butt off in high school or studied however many hours for that test.

I'm thinking back now on all of these things that I had said but never meant, and I want to cry. I'm such a hypocrite and I'm so ashamed.

But then I think of God, our amazing Father, who loved me. He STILL loves me despite of all of this, he still forgives me. I'm his perfect daughter still. And I didn't have to do anything. Nothing. Diddly. Squat.

Now isn't that the most amazing news?!

Yes. Yes, it is.

Buuttt... you know what's even better than that?

The fact that we are so out of control. God knows what is going to happen in my life. Every. Last. Detail. Because he planned the whole dang thing! Everything that has happened to me, every "decision" that I had to make about which university to attend, what to major in was ordained by the one who literally gave up his life to save mine. MY life. Is any one else's mind blown by that? I am, by far, not the smartest, kindest, prettiest or worthiest in the world's eyes. But to him--I am.

To him, I am an empty vessel. To him I am a new creation. To him, I am blessed.

{Crystal Cove, California}

These past months has been rough. Really, extremely tough. I attribute that to trying to hold on to a fantasy that I have outgrown. That I'm the least bit in control. These next months will also be hard, as I adjust to living daily life with the idea that in God's scheme, my biology grade is barely a spec, if that. That my day to day activities still matter because they are shaping who I am and who I will one day become.

Despite all of this. I don't regret a moment. I don't regret any of the choices I've made. Because I don't think that I could have ever gotten to this point without those choices. Without the friendships I've formed and the struggles I have faced. They have all brought me here, where I can finally look at the future and be excited. I have no fear because I know that God's got it.

I'm learning, slowly but surely, to trust in God. I'm learning to go where he sends me, even if in the world's eyes it's strange or abnormal. I'm learning that every "decision" that I'm faced with is really a resignation to God's perfect plan. HE does all the deciding. And why wouldn't I want that? He sees all, knows all, and loves beyond measure every one of his children. I bet he knows just a little bit better than I what my future should hold.

So here's to the ensuing changes. Here's to the unknown. And here's to being blissfully shielded from all of that scary stuff by Christ's enduring love.

Oh yeah. And here's to coffee.